other stuffs to update. nothing much. plain emo-ness and quarrels. family warring on thursday night. emo-ing since early this week. tuesday i guess. dont ask me why. it's not pms. monday was his birthday. didn't celebrate with everyone. only me and him. maybe he got emo cause of that? or perhaps the birthday present i gave wasn't something that he liked. i recorded 8 songs for him. my own singing with the music. with a not-yet-recovered throat. it was always something i wanted to do for someone special.
tuesday, we met at boon lay. i ran from tutorial room to bus stop hoping to catch the bus in time to meet him earlier. had stitch. bus didn't bother waiting when i was only 4 steps away from it. got off the bus and called him, heading towards jurong point. didn't know there was shilin snack shop outside jurong point. so well, i went over and he said something so hurtful. "if you have made an effort to walk over, you would have seen me already" got upset. wanted to cry, but what for? no one knows except me right? anyway, walked around and bought a cube to play. very smooth to turn.
headed to swensens for ice cream and back to his house. had a little arguement over the cube. it was stupid. we look like kids fighting over toys. threw tantrums. and accidentally the cube hit his nose bridge area. felt guilty and comforted him, but he shun me off. felt so angry and pissed. of course upset too. silence is golden. things turn out even worse. his ring dropped off, but i thought he took it off. especially after a harsh tone asking "what do you want?". i wanted nothing.
got so upset. cos i misunderstood the ring thingy. took my bag and left. he came out too. didn't talk much till waiting for cab. sort of resolved it, but i guess there's still some emotions left on it. thursday, was doing assignments till late night, around 3am. woke up at around 10plus to go to school just to hand them in. real tired. took a cab down to school around 11plus, so that i could finish up faster and meet him earlier for lunch. was pissed with my network coverage thingy. when he joked about me being "so late" and cant do much things, i snapped subconsciously. he took it as "scolding". so much for being emo-ish.
met up for lunch. was damn hungry. so hungry man makes a angry man. he wanted to eat at sizzler. but the food i take a look at the menu outside, not appealing for me. wanted to have ramen instead. he compromised. so i thought everything's okay. but when we sat down at the table, some thoughts and emotions flooded me. it just felt that, there's this gap between us. i dont know how to put them in words though. but it's something i had felt before in past relationships. something called "so near, yet so far". he's there physically. but i dont felt his presence emotionally. i wanted to clear this emo-ness up. so i started the topic. he thinks i'm so emo these few days till he cant take it that's why he got emo too. for me, it was his words that sparks my emo engine.
so i said something like "lately, you speak without thinking and that hurts". i dont know what's wrong with this sentence. he got up and left me there. hurt my left palm while trying to grab him back and sit down. but he left me sitting alone there. i wanted to leave too. but hunger conquered me. in my mind, a few scenarios were spinning in my head. if he doesn't come back, i'll call him. if he doesn't pick up, i'll walk around aimlessly. perhaps heading towards the nearest place of comfort, the merlion. or west coast park. or changi airport. or simply walking rounds and rounds in the shopping mall till people stared at me. so for once, a spicy kimchi ramen tasted so salty. moments later, he came back. ate his share and left. i followed. he went to arcade. silence again.
after his game, guess he felt better? or rather no point going on like this? we started talking and went bowling and movies as per normal. back when i was felt alone, it suddenly came to my mind, "is this it?" although things are fine, i'm still emo-ing. dont ask me why i am emo-ing. i dont know. perhaps affected by the forums. perhaps it's something else, which i dont know at all. perhaps it's cause lately whenever i'm talking to him online, he never reply much or start conversations. sigh. why am i writing everything down? just felt like venting it out somewhere. sometimes i think to myself, does he blame me for us being together and lost that company of friends. sigh.
有时候伪装能让自己开心点， 虽然还是一个人哭，一个人伤心，但伪装是一种解脱。