today can say is the most emotional day of this year as of date. why? cause i made him pissed and frustrated. why? cause we were debating over some stuffs. then he raised his voice, and i dont like people to raise their voices at me, be it angry or just debating. so i snapped. i got out of the car and slammed the door. after slamming the door, i immediately regret.

cause i know he dont like it. i just thought perhaps wait till he's home then i'll msn him and tell him sorry, didnt mean to do so actually. then, he never reply me. i know he's very angry so i called. waited for quite long while before he picked up my phone and his tone was so harsh. it pierced through my heart. but well, i'm the one at fault. so i said sorry. then he told me that he couldn't take me being so unreasonable and childish anymore. "let's break up"

my tears bursted out. i dont want it to end just like that. "we will still be good friends" i dont wanna be good friends. i wanna be his girlfriend. i wanna be with him till the end. when i heard this, i totally lost all my energy.

the promises he made to me, the dreams he weaved, the future that he painted out in my mind, all gone to dust and be gone with the wind. i even lost the strength to finish my dinner. no mood to study. dont find anything worth living for even. i had been thinking about death lately and its aftermath. it just strucks me that perhaps i should just end my life like that.

no one cares. even my mother see me crying while on the phone says i'm crazy to be crying out of no where, instead of comforting or asking me why am i crying. i never get the love from my family. so to me, my only source of love and care comes from him and my friends. if he's gone, i really dont see any point in all the things i'm doing now. i thought of quitting school long time ago. just cause i tell myself i must be able to match up to him, so i must continue on.

he told me he still loves me, but he feels that perhaps we're better off as friends instead. contradicting. he said he needs a break from me. and for this once in my life, i feel utterly helpless, useless and most of all, shameless. people dont want me already, i still down there crying and whine that i dont wanna end it. causing others more trouble and problems. there's was alot of silence. he seems so nonchalent about it. i dont know how he did it, but i guess it's about ego. he didn't have more things to say.

in my mind, i was thinking i have my pride too. being called unreasonable cause i poured my feelings out to him about time management. was i wrong to tell him how i felt about him being late always? was i wrong to tell him that i dont like him to send other people somewhere first before meeting me when he's already late? what happen to the promise? sigh.

i asked him again, do you still wanna break up with me? he asked me do i wanna hear the truth or the lies. obviously i wanna hear the truth, but maybe a lie would comfort me and prepare me for the truth. but he gave me the truth. he still wanna be good friends. my tears never stopped once, it only became much more overflowed.

he said something like he dont wanna change me. so i told him neither do i or have i ever thought of changing him. although his attitudes pissed me off at times, makes me upset at times, but this is who he is. this is the way he is. maybe there's alot of imperfections about him. but there's something in him that no one else sees but me. but perhaps like what he said "you're always living in your old world" so what i see may be what i want myself to see. but no matter what, i know deep down he's very important to me and i love him alot. i just cant imagine life now without him. i dont know what i will do, who i will be.. i told him all these and more.

and then he told me that he feels that he's always never good enough for me, and he seems to be affecting my studies cause i'm not studying as hard as before. and perhaps the unsaid was that i'm am simply too childish and unreasonable, became too overbearing for him. 1 year of memories. this past 1 year was special to me. and i hope for him too. even if there's alot of unhappiness, even if i complain alot, even if i cry alot, even if i said alot of wrong things and make us end up quarrelling, i still cherish this 1 year..

on and off throughout the entire 2 hours of phone conversation, he got asked me to go to bed early. saying that i need a rest. i coughed cause i choked on my tears. he ask me go drink water or not he wont talk to me. in my heart i was thinking why treat me so good when already told me break up.. no matter what you wont talk to me ever again. does it matters whether i'm choking or not? all these actions just made me cry even harder. how i wish he's right in front of me.. at least i could hug him and tell him i dont want all this to happen. but maybe it's not a good idea. maybe he will just walked off and leave me alone..

all these years my temper had been this bad or even worse. and i always know my anger management is a very major issue. but sometimes really cant help it. i know he dont like me being a crybaby, maybe it's irritating, i tried not to cry in front of him. i know he dont like me to always complain about him in my blog, so i never mentioned anything again since then except this time round. i know he dont like me being a kid, i refrained myself from being a kid. i know he dont like me to not have a mind of my own, i got back to having a mind of my own, telling him what i wanna eat and go where. all these and perhaps some other stuffs, are changes. perhaps the changes are so small that he doesnt notice them. that's why he mentioned something like after so long i'm still like that and becoming worse. never change at all.

then dont know how and what we said. he told me this.. "i promise i wont say this to you again" can you imagine me crying yet wanna smile at the same time? it's damn ugly. i think better dont imagine. so things are okay now again. and i really hope that it wont happen again. i dont know why he changed his mind. but i think i will probe him tomorrow when i see him.

all is well now. why do i blog this? i just wanna remind myself, i really love him alot. this entry is different from the rest of the other entry. it's an emotional turmoil that i was subjected to, to think back and reflect on what happened. every word is being accompanied by a drop of tear..