i was just believing in a lie? well, the word "lie" lies within the word "believe". every now and then, i did realise he smoked during working hours. never did i ever think that he does that everyday without telling me anything, until today. perhaps i was too slow to realised the frequency of me fishing things out was increasing. i even feel that the recent kindness and appreciation was due to the fact that i didn't know something.. he said he just felt that he should treat me better. yes, i know, lately his emotional stress level was reduced. and as a result, lesser quarrels and more peaceful times. but knowing that doesn't mean i pwould approve him to relief stress with smoking. there's many other things to do. i dont see myself or alot more people around me resort to smoking. i guess it all boils down to each own differs. just that those 2 songs names.. "I am who i am" & "我就是这样"

even though at the very end we compromised that his frequency would decrease, i still feel upset. what am i so upset about? it's the words that are not kept? perhaps really promises are always meant to be broken and never to be kept. why did i ever forget that and allowed myself to foolishly believe in another promise. individuals may be different, the outcome is the same. what's done cannot be undone and so what do i want? perhaps there will really come a time when smoking is stopped and yet the kind of treatment i get is still the same? it's impossible, i know. it's just another perhaps and dream.

he asked why am i no longer angry at him. the reasons are simple. does it helps to be angry? does it helps if i'm upset? does it even change the situation even if i had talked to him many times over the very same issue? the answers are no, unfortunately. it's hard keeping things inside me. it's even harder to keep things that you dislike about inside, just to prevent another such confrontations and unpleasant memories. it's hard to not suspect a thing. it's hard to not doubt the words from now on. it's not just this once.. it's just one of the last straw from me i guess. anyway, time to sleep. another night to cover my face with tears. with walls as comfort. with darkness as blanket..