sigh. emo-ing. i wanna change the song lian ai-ING to emo-ING. why emo? cause i'd been living in lies. i thought he really kept his promise and smoked one a day. but today, he told me no. truth is he always smoked two to three a day. reason being he cant help it, cause the owners smoked and it went into his aircon-ed room, and his nose cant take it. smoking everyday apparently helps to relief it? he had his last 3 sticks on 26th september. it's only been 9 days. the never-ending cycle of smoking is most likely to start again tomorrow.

he asked me to choose, to make a decision. between whether i will stay with him and accept him smoking or wait for him to change. then my question is when will he change. he said when he moved out. that's like earliest next year feb. do i have to wait till like 2 to 3 years down the road? his addiction would only get worse. from 2/3 sticks a day, to prolly 1 packet a day. he said it would not happen. why not? i dont know.

my decision.. i guess it's to just be with him till the day i cant take it anymore? yah. i'm stupid i know. being hurt so much already still wanna be with someone who does the things i hate the most. smoking and lying! but.. he's like indispensable. i just dont understand the rational behind smoking, stress etc. lately those quarrels and harsh words were just said on purpose, hopefully i would say breakup with him and make him less guilty?

i'm angry, i'm upset, i'm disappointed. been called half-hearted, childish, unreasonable, demanding etc. just to chase me away? or are those words true? easily distracted = childish? whining once in a while = childish? crying = childish? i didn't know all these comes under "childish" until friday.

you said you dont want to see me cry and upset anymore. so you wanna leave me. in just one year, how many times breakup do you wanna bring it up to me? you said it's not because of the birthday, not because of me and not because you dont love me. you just want me to be happier based on the assumption that leaving you, i would be happier.

love.. what is love?
i dont know anymore.
trust? what is trust?
i dont know anymore.

pain.. what is pain?
i am feeling that now.
tears.. what are tears?
i'm tasting them now.

comparing to forgetting,
pain would be much easier to bear for now.
when one day, forgetting is easier than pain,
i would tell you.