emo entry..

promises are meant to be kept, not to be broken.

truthful words were finally out. he feels irritated by me asking him to quit smoking.

and i'm sick of the excuse "i did not smoke in front of you. that's already an effort. why cant you be appreciative?"

previously he set the deadlines himself. but none was kept. his reasoning was during oct and dec he did. but to me, that was because he didn't go to work. he was at home 24/7 during those two weeks and i'm there with him everyday. so reasoning objected. this time i set the deadline. and perhaps he finds me unreasonable by doing so.

so he asked "do i love him less than i hate him smoking?" i cant answer. for these two cant be weighed on the same scale. i hate smokers. but i love him too. do you know that feelings of being torn apart from within? i guess you dont. if you do, will we be having that debate?

promises yet to be realized are hopes. promises that are broken are hurt. yah. i'm always very pessimistic. but is there anything i can "make the best out of this shit"? the only thing i'm optimistic about is that one day, eventually, you'll quit for good.

he said he always say i childish, but ultimately he accepts it. so why cant i do the same for his smoking? smoking is not an intrinsic character. it's something extrinsic. it wasn't there before. so why cant things just stayed the way it was? a change occurred and it's a change that i cant just accept in short-term. or perhaps even in the long run.

he said he wants to give me everything that i want. but i dont want anything except him to stop smoking. so i asked him, does he really wants to quit for good for me or does it comes from within him? the answer was.. "cause you're not happy about it." then my next question is.. "why pick up in the first place?"

to me it's like, whatever he tells me to ensure me, to make me secure and trust him, only treat my "symptoms" (ie. emotional stress). but doesnt solve the root of the problem (ie. smoking). spent some time explaining to him this 治标不治本 theory. after full explanation, he got fed up or rather irritated.

you know something? i'm no longer angry with him smoking. it's to a point whereby i dont wish to care anymore (ie. smoke for all i care). but i'm still upset and disappointed. everyday asking him how many sticks he smoked, so that finally there'll be a day when he tells me "i stop for good. =)"

he finds me irritating, but i always asked in a joking manner. he said "you asking me to quit, but everyday you must remind me about it by asking me the question!" i didn't mean it that way. honestly. i only wished for my hope to come true. someday.

since he said that our very first agreement was for him to stop smoking before we get married (that's if ever we're going to). so i gave him a choice. "so i let you choose. my birthday this year, or before we get married. if we're ever going to, it'll already be 4 to 5 years of you smoking." i didn't really get a definite answer. so i supposed he chose the latter, since there's much more time for him to quit.

it's my wish to see him quit before my birthday this year seriously. it was one of my birthday wishes last year. since it's not going to come true, no harm saying it out already. and i think he no longer reads my blog to understand my feelings more. if he did, i wouldnt have to re-explain how i felt at the bbq to him again.

he told me in office he treats them like how he always treat me "go take it yourself. it's over there" but do i see it? no. so how am i supposed to know? if this is truly the case, what is the difference between a girlfriend and any other girls?

within me, there's a struggle. one part of me tells me that he really only loves me and dotes on me alot. but another part of me doubts whether am i really his girlfriend. cause sometimes words doesnt match actions. actions always speak louder than words.

so i said is it better for him if he's without me? he ask me back "what makes you think that i want that?" what makes me think that way.. cause i'm always being put down by his words. be it during normal conversations, jokes or quarrels. i always take someone's words seriously. be it whether it's angry words. cause after all, angry words are true 70% of the time. so all these are as if telling me, "you're such a terrible girlfriend who cant love me and accept me for who i am, my smoking habits" so in my eyes, wouldn't he be better off without me? sigh..

time to try to sleep. gonna wake up early tomorrow to go school for project meeting. good night.